Consent: The Importance of Consent in Relationships and Sex

Written By Alyssa Glaser

In conversations with others, a common theme emerges – the assumption that consent naturally unfolds without explicit discussions within relationships or with sexual partners. While this may occur in some cases, exploring what consent truly means, especially in sexual relationships, is important. Shockingly, as of September 2023, only 28 states and Washington D.C. mandate sex education in the United States, with coverage of sexual consent required in only 11 states and Washington D.C. Furthermore, the accuracy, comprehensiveness, and accessibility of this education is questionable, leaving some American youth potentially unequipped to navigate consent conversations with others.

In today's landscape, where media, including pornography, can shape one’s understanding of sex and consent, it is crucial to acknowledge that these platforms might not accurately depict what consent looks like in real-life interactions. While there is nothing wrong with pornography, and there are benefits to pornography, there needs to be more comprehensive education about pornography literacy.

Consent is important to have in any relationship, not just sexual ones because it helps define what boundaries you have and what you are comfortable with. It is a framework that defines individual comfort zones and mutual agreements. Let’s look into consent and how to incorporate it into your sexual relationships.

What is consent?

Consent, in the context of relationships and sexual interactions, refers to an agreement between you and one or more people. It involves being informed about what is going to be done to them, or what they are going to be doing to another person. All parties involved need to know the possible benefits, risks, and consequences. Consent involves all parties arriving at an agreement together that is explicit, freely given, and enthusiastically expressed through verbal and nonverbal cues.

Consent must be given without any level of coercion or force and must be given/received without any sign of impaired judgment. The absence of a 'no' is not a 'yes.'

What does consent look like?

In a sexual interaction, consent is about communicating with all parties what they are comfortable with doing and what is being done to them. This communication can involve having conversations about what that person is comfortable with doing sexually and what might be off-limits. It is beneficial to have these conversations before engaging in anything sexual because it allows all parties to know what is agreed upon before the activities begin. This limits miscommunication and leads to better and more pleasurable sex! Having conversations can be a form of foreplay and can be arousing for all parties involved.

Consent skills can look like this:

  • Be aware of what you want, communicate it, and abide by it. Remember, while a person may agree to one thing it does not mean that they agree to all things.

  • Find out what all parties are comfortable with and know what you are willing to give. Have conversations around this.

  • Agree to abide by a person(s) limits and stop when someone says to.

  • Be aware of when you change your mind about something and accept when another person changes their mind. Remember, that anyone can withdraw consent at any time. When a person withdraws consent you should respond to that in an accepting way.

  • Be mindful to stay within agreed boundaries, despite the excitement and arousal of the moment.

  • Establish verbal and nonverbal cues to signal comfort levels.

  • Provide and welcome feedback.

  • Have ongoing conversations around consent with a partner(s).

Healthy and enjoyable sexual relationships thrive on consensual interactions. So when you are considering how to make your sexual relationship(s) more pleasurable maybe reevaluate what consent looks like and have open conversations with a partner(s).

Below are some resources to help have some of these conversations around consent in sexual intercourse.


References

Guttmacher Instatute. (2023, Sept). Sex and HIV. Educationhttps://www.guttmacher.org/state-policy/explore/sex-and-hiv-education

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN). (n.d.). What consent looks like. https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent

Matin, B., & Dalzen, R. (2021). The art of receiving and giving: The wheel of consent. Luminare Press.

Harvey Insitute. (n.d.). The six principles of sexual health. https://www.theharveyinstitute.com/six-principles-of-sexual-health

Alyssa Glaser
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